


The Way The Cookie Crumbles

by brokenhighways



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avalanches, Disasters, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Substance Abuse, Writers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:56:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is left speechless when his favourite author Jared Padalecki (who writes survival stories) walks into his bookstore. After several consecutive visits Jensen finally manages to hold a normal conversation with Jared. After getting to know each other better, they start dating. One day Jared invites him to spend some time at his cabin and what starts out as a normal date quickly turns into a real life survival story when disaster strikes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way The Cookie Crumbles

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rockstarpeach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockstarpeach/gifts).



> Written for rockstarpeach as part of the spn_j2_xmas 2014 exchange.

#  **_The Way the Cookie Crumbles_ **

 

 

*

# Part One

Jensen smiles to himself as he flips through _Revenge of Water_ , a survival story by his ultimate, favourite author Jared Padalecki. He knows that it’s kind of clichéd, a used bookstore owner spending most of his time re-reading his idol’s books, but it’s not like the store has a smorgasbord of customers. It’s usually the odd parent looking for a cheap deal during their lunch break, or some do-gooders looking to support their local shops. Nobody really comes to _The Walking Pen_ , and Jensen doesn’t really mind. It’s not like he needs the money, he’s a trust-fund baby who got an intervention _before_ he could blow it all on drugs, alcohol and friends that only cared about what he could do for them. The store gives him something to put his energy into at least. Before, he spent his days partying and throwing up, sometimes at the same time and while becoming a recluse hadn’t been his only option, it’s the one he chose.

Jensen’s never been much of a big reader. In fact, he's not really a _reader_ , past the gossip blogs, and that was mostly to see how badly he'd fucked up the night before. So it is a surprise that he's so taken with Padalecki's novels. Given that they're all survival stories, Jensen thinks that maybe he's just into that at the moment because in a way, he's a survivor. And sure, his hell was of his own making but it was still a situation where his choices where either to sink or rise up and get his shit together, sort of like when the main character in _Revenge of Water_ had to fight off hypothermia and swim to his survival. Jensen’s not a medical expert but he doesn’t think that part was ‘based on a true story’.

Content with his afternoon reading, Jensen stands up and stretches his legs. It’s raining outside, huge splashes of rain smattering against the glass panes and roof. He disappears into the back to get the bucket he uses for the small leak in the roof and by the time he returns, there’s someone standing by the shop door, dripping wet. The Jensen of the old would probably fly off the handle in rage at this person’s lack of etiquette but he takes a deep calming breath and resolves that he would also take shelter if he was caught up in rain this heavy. Technically, he’s supposed to be on these mood stabilizers that they prescribed him, but he’s convinced that the doctor only wrote the prescription because he’s an old family friend. And yes, maybe he’s acted erratic and crazy in the past, but that was down to the drugs and drink - both of which he’s cut out of his life. Not that anyone thinks he’ll last. His former friends still try to hook up him up with dope, people and parties, probably so they can get their hands on money he doesn’t even have access to anymore. Jensen knows that if his so-called friends knew that last fact, his phone would stop ringing.

“Hey, sorry about the mess,” a smooth voice says. “Guess I should have checked the weather forecast.” Jensen freezes from where he’s setting the bucket down on the floor and a huge drop of water lands right on his face. He barely notices it because he _knows_ that voice. It’s one that he’s very familiar with after listening to his _Avalanche Adventure_ a million times. Jared Padalecki is in store. He’s in _The Walking Pen_. He looks up slowly and his eyes widen as Padalecki pulls off his wool cap and shakes his hair out. He’s soaked from head to toe, his hair a ragged mess as droplets of water stream down his face. He’s smiling slightly and all Jensen can focus on are his _dimples_. Now, Jensen’s not the kind to get star struck, hell he poured a drink all over Clooney once, just for the hell of it. He’s been around famous people with ease and he’s not even sure that Padalecki can be considered famous. His books have a cult following, and _Avalanche Adventure_ had a movie budget that was probably less than what Jensen’s most expensive shoes cost. However, Jensen can admit to having a little obsession with Padalecki’s words and his voice but he honestly wasn’t aware that Jared looked _this_ good. The little picture that accompanies the author’s note at the back of Padalecki’s books really doesn’t do him justice.

“I’m Jared,” Padalecki says, his smile dimming when Jensen doesn’t respond. He’s still speechless and desperately trying not to blurt out ‘I love your books’ or something stupid like that.

“I...This is _The Walking Pen_ ,” Jensen replies stupidly, face flushing when Jared’s face morphs into a smirk. “I’m just going to get….get...a mop! Yes. Anyway. I’ll be right back.”

“I would look around at the books but….I wouldn’t want anything to get wet,” Jared says with a grin that weakens Jensen’s knees. Well, not literally. He scoffs at himself. Apparently all of the Mills & Boon books he’s read have had a long lasting effect on his vocabulary. Jared quirks up an eyebrow and Jensen switches into ‘abort!’ mode. He swallows hard before practically running into the back, silently berating himself for acting like an idiot.

The next time he sees Jared is during one of the ‘Meet the Author’ sessions that he sometimes runs for local authors i.e. people that his mother strongly suggest he work with. _‘It’ll be good for this business, darling_ ’ has basically become her go-to excuse for watching him at the store. At the moment, he’s indulging her merely because she and his dad were relatively understanding when he ended up in rehab, and he knows that they only want what’s best for him. The latest ‘author’ is a woman by the name of Charlene Rivers, whose book is a ‘passionate, steamy, political thriller’ based on her younger years. Jensen knows for a fact that she hired a ghostwriter to pen the book for her but he’s doing this for mom, so he pushes the knowledge aside. She and his mother play bridge together and the entire club has seemingly shown up for the session. Luckily for Jensen, he gives the reigns over to the student he employs part time and remains at the counter just in case any customers come in. He’s got his binding equipment in front of him and has about twenty books to repair. He also has his _Nexus_ tablet with him just in case he feels like drowning out all of the noise with random KPop music. Aldis, the student, walks past the counter with a disgruntled look on his face and Jensen is forced to hide his laughter.

This, of course, is the exact moment that Jared Padalecki chooses to walk in, and Jensen ends up choking his guffaws back and that turns into a coughing fit, and then his mother is somehow whacking him on the back as she cries out for Aldis to get him some water. By the time all the hustle and bustle has died down, Jensen’s got red eyes and a slightly sore chest.

“Are you okay?” Jared asks when he approaches the counter and places a book down. It’s a worn copy of the _Kama Sutra_. “I saw all of the commotion earlier but didn’t want to get in the way.” _Oh, you can get in my way anytime_ , Jensen thinks. He notices the teasing glint in Jared’s eye and his face flushes as he hastily reads the price sticker on the book.

“I’m good now, thanks,” he replies as he attempts to open the register. It’s jammed and he hasn’t bothered to get it fixed since no one really buys any books all that often. Plus, Aldis usually handles the purchases while Jensen sits at the back and reads one of Jared’s books. The one he’s on now is called _Hill Horror_ and it’s just as gripping and interesting as the rest. Jensen gets the feeling that this one really isn’t true, but it’s still an engaging read either way.

“Are you having trouble with that?” Jared leans forward as he gestures towards the register, and Jensen finds himself breathing in the scent of Jared’s cologne and he freaks out and practically throws the bagged up book at Jared.

“You know what, just take it!” he says, knowing how flustered he must sound (and look). “Think of it as a gesture of goodwill.”

Jared doesn’t even look fazed, just inexplicably amused. “First you let me drip all over your floor and now you’re giving me a free copy of the _Kama Sutra_....you’re too kind, Jensen.” Jensen blinks at him. He wonders how Jared knows his name. Their ‘introduction’ hadn’t exactly gone well the last time Jared ventured into the store.

“You’ve got a cute little name tag on,” Jared says and Jensen’s filled with a sense of horror when he realises that he actually said all of that aloud. “I’ve got to run but...maybe I’ll be back here again….I want to know what I get on the third date.” With another teasing smile, Jared turns to leave and Jensen just stands there wondering if karma is finally coming back around his way.

“Smooth, Ackles,” Aldis says and Jensen only notices that he’d been standing there the entire time. “Real smooth.”

“I think my mom and her friends need more scones,” he says and Aldis curses under his breath, mutters something about his ass not being a free-for all, but eventually heads towards the back.

Jensen’s run of bad luck continues the next time Jared visits the store. He’s in an armchair by the storefront, surfing through Jared’s website, engrossed in the post about a recent kayaking trip, when a voice startles him.

“I didn’t realise that you were a fan.” Jensen’s survival instincts flare up and his hand goes flying back, connecting with Jared’s face. There’s a resounding thump followed by a grunt as Jared rears back, his hand over his eye.

Jensen jumps up. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry! Is it bleeding? Do you need me to...?” He trails off because he doesn’t even know how to administer basic first aid and he’s the only one in the bookstore at the moment.

Jared takes it well, even managing to crack a smile as he drops his hand. “It was my fault, I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that. Anyway, I ought to go. I have to do an interview later on.” He leaves before Jensen can get a word out. Jensen slumps down into his chair and groans to himself.

He’s the worst.

Jensen’s having a night out for the first time in a long time and while he’s on orange juice and drinks that end in ‘ade,’ he really wants to do tequila shots. Or anything that’ll reduce all of the anxiety he’s getting from this Jared situation - he can’t even have a normal conversation with the guy, for God’s sake.

“You like him,” Kristen announces as she sips at her own orange juice. Jensen’s friends are an unusual bunch to say the least. He met Kristen at an NA meeting, and he and Chris became friends in rehab. Danneel sort of tagged on along the way and Aldis he knows from his ill-fated relationship with a married professor. All of his other friends he keeps on a leash, ignoring their calls and texts unless it’s something important.

“Who likes who?” Chris asks. “I thought we all agreed - no boys, no girls, no nothing.”

Kristen snorts. _“You_ agreed, we just went along with it because we know that you’ll never get a girl.” Chris grumbles under the breath as the rest of them laugh at the comment. Jensen agrees with Chris on the whole relationship thing though, for people like them, they’re just not a good idea. Just dealing with his mother is enough to make him want to down a bottle of liquor - he’s in no position or frame of mind to pursue Jared in any way.

“I get that you guys are all against relationships, but that doesn’t mean that y’all can’t have some fun,” Aldis says. They all turn to look at him. “What?!”

“Fun is how it starts,” Jensen says. “It’s all fun and games until you fall in love and then you find out that he’s married with _three_ kids and another one on the way. And then everyone you meet after that just wants you for one thing and you end up looking for any escape you can find, just to stop everything from hurting. So I’m with Chris on this one. It’s just a crush, probably because I’ve been reading his books a lot.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you over share?” Aldis asks. “Because you do. A lot. Like when the plumber came over to fix the sink at the bookstore.”

“My therapist says that it’s good to express myself,” Jensen protests.

Aldis snorts. “Maybe you should tell her about your sexcapades, not me.”

The next time Jared comes into _The Walking Pen_ he brings a gift. The kind that comes into a bottle and has an 8% alcohol content. Jensen takes one look at it and walks away, not even caring that there’s no one manning the store. He hears Jared calling out after him but he keeps going. When Jensen comes back out, there’s a signed copy of _Driven to the Extreme_ on the counter. He smiles to himself as he runs a hand down the spine.

By the time Jared returns, Jensen is prepared. Aldis has been coaching him on what to say for the last three weeks and Danneel’s somehow managed to convince him that being a former addict - or well, an _addict_ \- doesn’t meant that he can’t make new friends. So he’s completely prepared. However, Jared still manages to catch him surprise.

“You know what?” Jensen says, more to himself than anyone else. “Screw this.”

“Excuse me?” Jared asked.

“I’m not really good with new people,” Jensen explains. “But I can hold a normal conversation, I swear. So, hi. How can I help you today?”

Jared doesn’t miss a beat, and his face branches out into that ever-present dimpled grin. “I’m thinking about--” Before Jared can finish what he’s saying, the bell on the door chimes as a group of people walk in. Jensen groans to himself when he sees that it’s his friends, led by his mom - chief ruiner of his life.

“So, the storage company somehow got ahold of my number, Jensen,” his mom says in her ‘Do Not Fuck With Me’ tone. “Apparently you told them that they could toss out all of the items you have stored. Items that you - or should I say _I_ \- paid good money for. I explained to them that we would be coming by this afternoon to retrieve everything.” Jensen loves his mom, he really does, and he knows that she loves him. None of that negates the fact that she’s a pain in the ass. However, she’s been great all throughout his downward spiral and recovery period. She was the one who cleaned him up, kicked his ass and checked him into rehab. She got him the store - she does a lot for him. Unfortunately for Jensen, it sometimes feels as if she’s running his life for him and that doesn’t make him feel very good about himself. Like now, with the items he has in storage, basically everything from his old apartment and everything his slimy ex gave him - all the past memories that he’s trying too hard to forget are contained in that storage unit and he just wants them to stay there. Out of sight, out of mind and all of that bullshit.

“Your mom’s enlisted us to help you clean out,” Aldis grumbles. “Yay.” Jensen just blinks at him. He turns to Jared, who looks confused, only it’s sort of adorable at the same time---and God, what’s wrong with him. He needs to find a way to get out of this, not daydream his way into Jared’s pants (though there’s always time for that later). Jared must see something on his face because suddenly he turns to address the new arrivals.

“Actually, I promised that I’d take Jensen for lunch, so...can we maybe take a rain check on the whole...clearing storage thing?” he says and Jensen would laugh at how his mom’s eyes widen comically but he’s feeling a little disorientated himself.

“Of course!” Danneel says brightly, though she’s the only one looking chipper. His mom looks surprised, while Chris and Aldis frown at him. If Kristen were here, she’d probably have pushed him and Jared out of the door by now. “We can always clear out the unit another time, right?”

“Yeah, because it’s not like some of us don’t have schedules,” Chris mutters. Jensen detects a little irritation from his friend and sighs to himself. All jokes aside, Chris is deadly serious about not having romantic relationships. Jensen's still not sure what the story is there; unlike his friends he doesn't like to intrude. At the same time, he doesn't want to fall out with Chris over Jared. And technically, going to lunch with Jared doesn't mean that he's running away from his past. He’s just going to lunch. With a guy. Yup.

Lunch starts off awkwardly. After they pile into Jared's truck, there's silence until they reach the restaurant. Jared looks uncharacteristically nervous while Jensen wonders if he should have just gone to sort out his crap. It's not like most of it holds any sentimental value. No, it's just all the crap from the apartment where he spent his boozy afternoons and regularly woke up in his own vomit.

"Are you okay?" Jensen is shaken out of his thoughts by Jared's voice. It's a nice voice, he thinks, all smooth and--dammit, focus. "I can take you back to the bookstore if you want? It just seemed like you needed an excuse to get out of that situation."

Jensen nods. "This is fine." It's more abrupt than he intends, and Jared's face falls. He tries to expand on that but all he can come up with is the ominous sounding, "It's complicated." And while it is actually complicated, it's not exactly an explanation. And he does. Want to explain. Which is crazy because he doesn’t know Jared.

“Okay, so...how long have you had the store?” Jared asks. “I don’t come into town a lot so I only discovered it when I got myself caught in the middle of that rainstorm.” From the little ‘ _About the Author_ ’ blurb on the jacket of Jared’s books, Jensen knows that Jared supposedly lives in a cabin up by the mountains, with his pet husky dog, Fluffy (Jensen eventually managed to stop judging Jared for the name).

“A little under two years,” Jensen replies. “It used to belong to an old family friend and he ran into some financial problems and I helped him out. Then the old bastard decided to die on me and I couldn’t quite let go of the place.”

“Cool,” Jared says with a touch too much enthusiasm and Jensen has to force himself not to wince. Awkward doesn’t even cover the atmosphere between them, and he knows it’s down to the argument that Jared had witnessed in the store.

“Look, I...went through some problems a while back and it’s made me and my family a little wary of outsiders and things that would maybe make me go off the rails again.”

“You don’t remember me do you?” Jared says with a small smile. “I guess it has been a long time. I was a TA in Professor Matthews’ English class at Cal - or well, UC Berkeley. I...remember you.” Jensen’s heart plummets as he reaches for his water glass, hating himself for wishing that it’s something stronger. He doesn’t remember Jared from back then, because everything was a haze of drugs and alcohol. Some days Jensen’s not even sure that he was in love with Brent - or Professor Matthews as Jared put it - and he laments on all of the time he’s wasting feeling sorry for himself.

“Well, it’s not like my life is some huge secret,” Jensen says, deciding to play it cool. “Once upon a time, I was splashed all over the magazines and the internet, but what I should say is that I’m better now and I’m not looking for anyone to compromise that.”

“That’s good,” Jared laughs. “Because I’m not here to proposition you - or at least, not romantically - I committed to a creative writing workshop here in town but completely forgot to secure a venue and...I was thinking that your store would be the perfect place. I was going to bribe you with signed books and wine but...I’m not above asking you outright. I can pay you and everything.”

“You brought me wine, but I’m a recovering alcoholic,” Jensen says, not believing Jared. “Didn’t they print that in the news?”

Jared shakes his head. “No, it was just headlines screaming ‘JENSEN ACKLES IN REHAB AT LAST!’ accompanied by pictures of you looking a little worse for wear.”

Jensen simply stares at him.

“God, I’m sorry,” Jared says, sounding decidedly unapologetic. He raises an eyebrow, almost as if he’s daring Jensen to say something. Jensen laughs. He laughs until his stomach hurts and his eyes are welling up. By the time he comes up for air, Jared looks slightly worried.

“So you don’t care that I’m an alcoholic, or that I had a two-year relationship with a married man,” he asks once he’s finally caught his breath. In a way, it’s good that Jared knows all of this - it saves Jensen from telling him and he doesn’t feel as though he’s being judged. Still, it’s always good to make sure.

“It just makes you interesting to me,” Jared says. “And actually - my second proposition - I want to maybe base a character in one of my books on you. I admit that I looked you up after the wine incident - sorry about that, by the way - and, I want to try a different kind of survival story. Personal survival not just....crazy situations that I put myself in so I can write about how I get out of them.”

Jensen scoffs. “Based on a true story, my _ass_!” He ignores the low thrum passing down inside him at the thought of Jared _wanting_ to write a book based on him. Sure, he’s a pretty polarizing character but still, he’s not sure how to feel about that. Things are day-to-day for Jensen, and he doesn’t know that he ever wants to see his life on _paper_ when living through it is hard enough.

“Hey, they all have an element of truth to them,” Jared protests in between laughs. “The part in the last book where Rob stubbed his toe against that canoe was completely true.” They laugh for a few seconds before it dies out and leads into a peaceful, but brief silence.

“So you knew who I was when you came into the store, but you pretending you didn’t...why?” Jensen asks.

“I wanted to get a read on you, I guess,” Jared says. “I saw a flyer in the paper and recognised your name and it all came running back to me, and...I’m not going to lie to you but I was _inspired._ Don’t get me wrong, I love writing my adventure novels but my publishers have been pushing at me to do something different and you just...hit me out of the blue.” There’s something in the way that Jared is looking at him that sends a shiver down Jensen’s spine. Like there’s more to their backstory than Jared’s letting on, but Jensen can’t deny the fact that business propositions aren’t a bad idea. Anything that keeps him occupied is a good thing, and if they’re working together in a professional setting, Jensen won’t be tempted to turn it into something more.

“I have to get back to you on the book, but you can use the store anytime you want,” he says. “No payment necessary.”

Jared mock gasps. “Well if you’re sure. Can I at least pay you in cookies?”

“That depends on whether or not they’re homemade.”

“I will have you know that I am a champion cookie baker,” Jared says. “Just you wait.”

Jared’s first workshop is a month after their lunch date, and the day after Jensen finally clears the storage unit. Despite the fact that he’s been reunited with his [van der Westen Speedster](http://www.appliancist.com/mirage-speedster-chroom.jpg) coffee machine, he’s not in the best of moods. So he’s not really looking forward to listening to a bunch of people yapping about writing for two hours. However, that all changes the moment Jared walks in through the door. He’s wearing a ridiculous orange hat (complete with a matching scarf that no grown man should even _own_ ) and his nose is red from the cold but he’s got a huge smile on his face.

“So you know how I said I was an expert cookie baker?” Jared says, without as much as a greeting. He does it constantly, even on the phone and while Jensen finds it vaguely annoying, it’s a quirk that is pure Jared. “The cookie fairies conspired against me, so I stopped off on the way here and picked up this batch of banana pecan chocolate cookies.”

“Wait, is that all combined into one flavour, or you brought banana, pecan and chocolate cookies? If it’s the former, then hell, what ever happened to chocolate chip?” It’s a been a minute since Jensen’s even eaten baked goods, so he doesn’t know what kind of crazy cookie activity goes on in the world these days.

“Jensen, we just became friends,” Jared says solemnly. “So I won’t hold your inferior cookie tastes against you.” He dumps the cooling tray on the counter and says something about getting some stuff from his car and heads out of the store. Aldis is supposed to be in the back, getting all of the notebooks and stationery (that Jensen went crazy buying) ready. He thinks about how Jared said that they were friends and wonders why that leaves him with a sense of disappointment instead of happiness.

“I thought you said that you and Jared were quote ‘ _strictly professional relationship_ ’ unquote.” Jensen whips around to see that Aldis has in fact already laid out all of the books, and is now leaning on of the shelves as he smirks. He’s managed to get Danneel and Chris off his back with the whole Jared situation. Danneel thinks that he should go for it, while Chris thinks that he should cut Jared loose before something serious happens. Aldis and Kristen have kept their views to themselves for the most part, although his employee does like to indulge in all of this wink-smirk-nudge shit that Jensen has no patience for.

"I can throw him out right now if you need me to prove anything to you," he retorts angrily Aldis mutters something but he’s smiling as he disappears into the stockroom. Jensen glares in his direction until the door slams. He turns around and jumps when he sees Jared standing right there, looking concerned.

“Is everything, okay?” he asks. Jensen nods, not trusting himself to speak. Jared smiles at him and wanders back over to where a few of his pupils are talking amongst themselves. Jensen takes a deep breath and attempts to steel his nerves. All he has to do is maintain his distance and ignore Aldis. He can do that.

Three weeks later and Jensen is definitely failing at the maintaining distance part of his plan. Jared’s been popping into the store, dragging Jensen into taking part in his class and fuck, bringing him _cookies_. Danneel, Kristen and Aldis are still receptive to the idea of Jensen letting something with Jared happen, but Chris has been maintaining his disapproval, and it’s reached the point where it’s starting to piss Jensen off.

“You’re quiet,” Chris says when they come out of their next AA meeting. It’s been a rough day and he’s not in the mood for yet another lecture.

“Yeah,” he mumbles as they walk out of the building. Jensen’s license was revoked a while ago, so he relies on Chris for a lift home. He suddenly wishes that his place was close enough for him to walk. His phone buzzes and he checks it and chuckles when he sees a picture of Jared’s latest culinary disaster.

Chris is giving him a shrewd look.

“It was just Jared sending me a picture of...something,” he explains, trailing off when he realises that he’s doing what he’s been wanting to avoid all evening - talking about Jared.

“We’re going to have to meet this guy officially one of these days,” Chris says easily, as if he hasn’t been warning Jensen against getting too close for weeks.

Jensen is surprised. “Really? What happened to staying away from him?”

Chris pauses by the door of his truck to give Jensen another long look. He shrugs and says, “I think that you’re way beyond that stage and...I’m not the boss of you. And...Maybe it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.”

“Really?” Jensen echoes, if only because he wouldn’t expect anything like this from Chris. “I’m not being funny but...you’ve changed your tune awfully quickly.”

Chris smirks at him. “I’m unpredictable like that.”

Jensen frowns at him. “ _Chris._ ” Despite his dislike of Chris’ negativity when it comes to Jared, this is just outright _weird_. And it kind of ruins his whole ‘friends only’ plan, because if Chris of all people has come around then he’s really screwed.

“You’ve been different ever since you started reading his books and...as much I hate to say it, you’ve been even more different since you met the guy,” Chris says. “And I was worried at first but...this is good. You seem a lot happier.”

“Oh.” That’s all Jensen can say. Followed by. “He knows me from before. He’s...linked to Brent. He was one of his students or something, and he wants to write a book based on me. So that’s two reasons why it wouldn’t work.” Jared knowing him doesn’t really bother him too much. He was a relatively known socialite a few years ago so there’s a whole bunch of people out there who know more than he’d like them to. The book? Jensen’s not a fan but it’s not a deal breaker.

“It’s...him having worked with the sleaze ball,” Chris suggests when Jensen puts that to him. “You’re worried that it might raise conflict?”

“I mean, yeah,” Jensen admits. “He’s been really good about not saying a word about it and I’ve barely even thought about Brent for weeks but sooner or later the shoe _will_ drop and I’ll have a bad day and it’ll be all I can think about. I...I don’t want to screw up my friendship with Jared over something that’s happened in the past but it might come to that point. So I’m not going to go there with him. Yes, I like him but, maybe this is just how it has to be.”

Chris doesn’t look like he believes a word and Jensen wonders just who it is he’s trying to convince - Chris or himself?

A month passes by, bringing winter and pumpkin spice lattes with it. Jared’s class is finishing up and Jensen realises that they won’t have an excuse to see each other every week anymore. Not that they’ll stop texting and emailing, it’s just that...Jensen likes having Jared here. In the store. And okay fuck it, he _likes_ Jared, and he maybe wants to date him. Deciding to just take a leap right there and then, not noticing that Jared’s doing the exact same thing.

“Would you like to go out and grab dinner sometime?” he says, though it sounds more like _wouldyouliketogooutandgrabdinnersometime_ because of how nervous he is. Not that it matters too much because he just about manages to hear Jared saying, “Look what I found!” at the same time and he looks up to see him holding mistletoe.

“Wait, what?” They say in unison and there’s a beat as they meet each other eye and burst into laughter.

“So we’re both slightly ridiculous but on the same page?” Jared says. Jensen knows that he’s giving him a chance to back out but...Jensen’s had enough of those. He’s tired of not going after what he wants because of his fears. Fear that he’ll go back to the drink and drugs and God forbid, moping over fucking Brent. He’s fed up of being an empty shell stricken by the events of the past.

He’s ready to be happy for once.

“I think pretending to find mistletoe makes you more ridiculous, Jared,” he say fondly. “But if it makes you feel better then yeah, we’re on the same page.”

Jared grins in response, but there’s still some uncertainty in his eyes. “This is the weirdest way I’ve ever gone about asking someone out short of actually asking outright. Are you sure that you’re not just humouring me? You said you weren’t looking for someone to compromise your recovery.”

“I’m not,” Jensen says. “And you’re not going to compromise it, I’ll make sure of that. There’s just one thing that I need you to know.”

“What is it?” Jared asks.

“What happened when we met? Not that watered down version that you gave me before, I want the full uncensored version?” Jensen says. “Because I can’t shake the feeling that I did something really awful and you’ve just forgiven me for it because you’re _nice_.” Jared’s entire demeanour changes and Jensen almost regrets asking. _Almost_. If he doesn’t find out now, he’s always going to wonder and the last thing a recovering addict needs to be doing is _wondering._

“It was nothing. We met. Said our hi’s and goodbyes and that was it.” Jared is a terrible liar and if Jensen didn’t know him any better he’d be angry. He’s not, however, because he knows that Jared’s just trying to help.

“ _Please_.”

“Okay, you came into his office, saw us in there laughing over something and you flipped out. Accused us of sleeping together and you called me a whore - and a few other choice names - and yeah, it...was not pleasant.”

“And you still decided to be my friend?”

“We met once more at some frat party,” Jared admits. “I was trying to meet a deadline and my dickhead roommate picked that night to invite half of the campus over. You walked into my room while you were trying to find the bathroom. You were kind of drunk but we still managed to have a good conversation. You read a chapter of my book - the first one, _Moving Mountains_ , and said you liked it. And...Just before you left I said---”

“ _He’s married_ ,” Jensen interrupts. “Fuck. That was you?” It’s not a surprise that Jensen doesn’t fully remember. That night sparked a three week bender that landed him in the hospital, and from thereon in, everything followed a swift path of descent. Jared looks absolutely crestfallen and part of Jensen wants to freak out like he’s expected to, or run away and use this as an excuse to push Jared away but...he doesn’t want to. Jared’s been the best friend possible despite all of the baggage and things he knows about the past. He’s never once judged him (excluding his cookie tastes) or acted like Jensen was damaged goods due to his addiction and past relationship. And while he could technically accuse Jared of lying about how they met, he knows better than anyone that once people hear that someone is an addict they act in a certain way. He knows that Jared omitted the details for a reason and he doesn’t care. He’s done analysing every single morsel of his life, of not going after what we wants.

“Are you mad at me?” Jared’s voice is abnormally meek and quiet and Jensen steps forward and grabs one of his hands.

“Nope,” he replies. “I don’t really remember it but...I knew there was more to our meeting than that and I’m fucking sorry about the stuff I said to you when I saw you in Brent’s office. I was probably on the hard stuff even before the break-up, I…was paranoid in the last few weeks before I found out the truth.”

“Already forgiven you,” Jared answers, giving Jensen’s hand a quick squeeze. “It’s kind of weird that we’d bump into each other here. And that you’ve ended up being my number one fanboy.”

“Oh darling,” Jensen replies in a mock drawl. “I’ve read enough Harlequin novels to know that this is _fate_.”

Jared’s still laughing even as Jensen leans in to kiss him.

# Part Two

Dating Jared is weird. Not in a bad sense but...Jensen’s isn’t sure if it’s in a good sense either. He really likes Jared, likes him a lot but there’s this sense of uncertainty looming over him. He can’t help wondering if he’s actually got anything to bring to their relationship - or if he’s even ready for a full-fledged relationship And that makes things awkward when he freaks out and refuses to take Jared’s calls.

“You know, you could just put your phone on silent,” Aldis says smugly. Jensen wonders how douchey it’d be for him to fire Aldis for meddling into his personal business.

“You knew me when I was with Brent,” he says instead. “Do you think that I’ve changed?” He met Aldis at some weird Halloween party that the faculty held and they’ve been friends since. There was a huge gap of time when they had no contact but somehow Aldis ended up in town and they were able to reconnect. They don’t really talk about Jensen’s past bar group discussions but Jensen thinks it’s nice that there’s at least one person from his old life that he can rely on.

“Well you’re not completely besotted with some douchebag, so, yeah. You’ve changed.” Aldis is ringing up receipts at the till, not really paying attention, and Jensen sighs. Aldis looks up and he must see something on Jensen’s face because he stops what he’s doing.

“Is this about Jared?” he asks. “Because from what I’ve seen, he doesn’t care about your past. And I didn’t know you all that well back then but you seem a lot...brighter now. Dare I say happier?” Aldis isn’t the first to say this, he’s heard it from his mother, his friends and he doesn’t know why he keeps trying to doubt how he feels even when people are _telling_ him. It’s just that the worry is always there that something is always going to be waiting in the wings to send him over the edge and Jared’s already gotten under his skin and wormed his way into his life so easily. However, Jared knows all of this, he knows all of the nitty gritty details that Jensen doesn’t have to hide, and maybe this weird feeling will pass eventually. He just has to be patient.

“I’m being stupid, aren’t I?” Jensen says as he grabs his phone.

“You said it,” Aldis says with a wry smile. He goes back to his receipts as Jensen finally calls Jared back.

One early December morning finds Jensen locking up his bookstore and packing a small overnight bag. He’s heading up to Jared’s cabin for the next couple of days, which is exciting because he hasn’t been on a vacation since rehab. His mother frets incessantly and tries to dissuade him from going but Jensen gets the feeling that he and Jared will never get any alone time while they’re in town. The cabin is a little further away, up by the mountains. Far enough that he sometimes doesn’t see Jared for days at a time, and close enough for them to make the drive up.

“God, it’s freezing,” Jared says when he pulls up outside the bookstore. “I’m not getting out of this truck, so you’ll have to kiss me through my window. Which is going up soon because it’s _freezing_.” Jensen rolls his eyes but smiles despite himself, knowing that Jared’s trying to make him feel less guilty about not being able to drive up on his own. He kisses Jared quickly and tosses his bag in the trunk before making his way over to the passenger seat. This should be interesting.

Four hours, two stops and too many badly-sung pop classics later and they finally reach the cabin, which is breathtaking. The sky is a calming shade of blue, complemented by fluffy white clouds, snowy mountain backdrop and cool morning air. The cabin itself is amazing. Jensen’s hit by the smell of cedar wood when they get out of the car and he’s even more blown away when Jared shows him around. It’s got everything in it, the most important being the hot tub. It’s even nicer than the very expensive rehabilitation centre that his parents paid for.

“How the hell did you afford this place?” Jensen asks once Jared has the fire going and they’re warming up in the living room and watching some cooking show on television. “It’s amazing. If my parents weren’t back in control of my trust fund, I would snap one of these up.”

“Initially I rented this place for climbing one of the mountains a few minutes away from here so I could get some material for _Mountain Dash_ ,” Jared replies with an easy smile. “Then a few months later I sold the rights for one _Avalanche Adventure_ and the first thing I did was buy this place.” Hearing about Jared’s achievements makes Jensen feel two ways. Proud but also kind of self-conscious in a way that he’s never been before. Working at _The Walking Pen_ is basically Jensen’s first time having any kind of responsibility and it started off as a way for his family to put him in a situation where he couldn’t get into any trouble. To him that’s just what he expects but from his AA and other meetings he’s starting to realise just how easy he’s had it and how much he’s screwed things up.

“That’s...really amazing, Jared,” he says wistfully.

Jared scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to boast or anything. I don’t really bring anyone out here because it’s where I do my writing.”

Speaking of writing.

“You know how you said you wanted to base a character in one of your books on me?” he asks. “You’ve not started anything have you?”

“Oh, no,” Jared shakes his head. “I’m working on something else at the moment. It was a stupid idea and kind of insensitive of me really. I was just overwhelmed by my attraction to you and I thought I could transfer that onto the page and I’ve been doing this long enough to know that it’s not always a good idea.”

“Oh...good,” Jensen says, stopping short of breathing a sigh of relief. Far be it for him to tell Jared what to write, but he doesn’t have a story worth telling.

Not yet at least.

Sensing that things are starting to get a little strained, Jensen is quick to agree Jared suggests that he spend time in the hot tub on the lower deck while Jared gets lunch ready. Jared waves him off when he offers to help out and Jensen starts to wonder just how badly he’s fucking this up. After half an hour in the tub, he gives up on pretending that everything’s okay and he makes a decision. He might not be good at _telling_ Jared how he feels or articulating himself properly but he can use actions instead.

“Oh, hey, I was just in the middle of mmf--” Jensen cuts Jared off with a heated kiss, maneuvering Jared so that he’s pushed up against the kitchen counter. Jared’s eager to respond and Jensen pushes closer, reveling in the taste of Jared’s lips. They’ve made out before but never really gone past that stage. Jensen gets the feeling that it’s down to him. Sex turned into one of those things that he couldn’t control so he abstained from it completely and as a result he’s been skittish when it comes to going there with Jared. A fact that Jared has and continues to pick up on.

“What’s brought this on?” Jared says after they come up for air. He grins. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“Does there have to be a reason?” Jensen asks, desperate to get to the part where they don’t have to _talk_. However, Jared knows him all too well and he knows that he’s not going to get what he wants that easily.

“With you, there’s always a reason,” Jared replies. “And also you’re kind of ruining my surprise.” He looks a little flustered and Jensen only then realises that something smells really good. He turns around to see a clutter of pots and pans scattered around the kitchen. Jared and cooking are supposed to be a match made in hell.

“So, I kind of maybe...stretched the truth a little when I said that I couldn’t cook,” Jared says with a sheepish grin. Jensen raises an eyebrow, not amused at all because he’s still haunted by the time when he tried to teach Jared how to make spaghetti and spent the night peeling random strands from his kitchen wall. Jared cannot seriously be telling him that he’s been faking it the whole time. He’s received what Jared deemed to be bad batches of cookies several times and it was all some elaborate ploy, he’s not sure if he finds it amusing or…a little crazy. .

“Please tell me that you didn’t pretend that you couldn’t cook just so you could....worm your way into my apartment,” he says sternly though he’s fighting off a smile. It’s a little weird but...kind of endearing to hear the lengths that Jared went to try and keep his attention.

“Never have I used such a lack of skills to my advantage,” Jared shoots back. “I think you found my hopelessness kind of adorable.”

Jensen laughs. “I don’t understand why you’d go to so much trouble just to get me to hang out with you. Was I really _that_ closed off?”

“Kind of,” Jared says, reaching past Jensen to check on something in one of his bowls. “But you’ve definitely loosened up now. And it wasn’t any trouble at all, Jensen. You’re worth it.”

The next three days pass by quickly. They’re filled with fun, laughter, a couple of heartfelt conversations and on the third night, Jensen finally gets Jared to realise that he can take a bit more than make-out sessions. Of course, it all ends embarrassingly quickly for Jensen given that he hasn’t slept with anyone for two years, but Jared doesn’t seem to care and rounds two and three are much better anyway. As he lies with his head pillowed on his chest he thinks _this could be love_ and he’s not sure how the fuck he’s supposed to react to that.

The morning comes bringing with it dark skies and a very pissed off Jared. The bedroom door slamming is what wakes him up and he sits up, finding Jared pacing the length of the room angrily as he leaves a message on someone’s phone. His expressive eyes are blazing with anger and his lips are almost pressed into a thin line. Jensen wonders if it’s fucked up to finding angry Jared kind of hot.

“Listen, asshole. I am sick of telling you not to use your fucking snowmobile out here. This isn’t fucking Aspen, and if anything should happen to my cabin because of falling snow caused by your damn _toy_ , I’m going to hold you personally responsible.” Jared clicks off with an audible groan and flops back down onto his side of the bed. He’s not wearing a shirt, meaning that Jensen can get a good glimpse at his ripped torso and golden skin and if Jared wasn’t pissed off he’d definitely be putting his hands to good use. Instead he places a hand on Jared's chest and rubs it in soothing circles.

“What’s up?” he asks softly, before using his other arm to mask his ill-timed yawn. He’s never really seen Jared angry or even _annoyed_ before, and no one is that well-balanced.

Jared groans. “My idiot neighbour. You’ve probably heard of him. Tom Welling?” Jensen winces to himself. Being that he was a once a dumb socialite who hung out with the likes of Paris freakin’ Hilton, he’s definitely heard of him. Tom’s a low level D-list actor who had some hit show eight years ago and has since made falling out of clubs his new profession. His picture is most likely under the word ‘prick’ in the dictionary.

“I know of him,” Jensen says. “What’s his problem?”

“He has these stupid snowmobiles,” Jared spits out. “I’ve told him again and again that these mountains are dangerous _and_ that this snow isn’t at a cool enough temperature to be driven on. That he’s going to cause an accident but will he listen to me? No. You know what? Calling him isn’t enough. I’m going to go up there.” He’s up very quickly and shoving on a shirt before Jensen can try and calm him down. For some reason he doesn’t have a good feeling about this. If Tom’s actions could possibly cause an accident shouldn’t they just get out of there?

“Jared, wait,” Jensen calls as Jared storms out of the room. He grumbles to himself as he gets out of the bed and starts to fish around for his clothes. A door slams in the distance and he curses Tom Welling for ruining what could have been a good morning. With a heavy sigh, he grabs one of Jared’s heavy jackets and heads outside. It’s windy when he gets there, snow swirling around in dangerous circles. He can see the tall figure of Jared further in front of him. He calls out Jared’s name but the whistling of the gale swallows his shout and he quickens his pace. There’s the unmistakable sound of revving in the distance and he can just about make out the snowmobiles.

What happens next unfolds so quickly that Jensen almost can’t believe his eyes. A rush of snow comes falling down from the direction of Tom’s cabin and the ground shakes under his feet, causing him to stumble. Up in front of him, Jared goes down in a mound of snow and disappears into a blur of white. Jensen scrambles up as quickly as he can but there’s a loud cracking sound and he looks down to see a small opening in the ground. He jumps over it, skidding slightly as he collides with one of the trees scattered about. He holds onto it tightly as snow brushes past him, and the rapid force of wind drowns his cries for Jared. It takes a few minutes for things to settle slightly and the second there seems to be some respite, Jensen treads forward carefully. Each movement is painfully slow because all he wants to do is _run_ but - and so help him, God - the one thing he learnt from _Avalanche Adventure_ was that he has to be careful or he could potentially end up buried in the snow himself. And _fuck_ , Jared’s buried _in_ the snow.

“Jared!!” he yells as he approaches the area where Jared went down. He doesn’t have any equipment or rope or _anything_ and he has no idea how he’s going to get him out. The only thing keeping him going is that Jared probably knows how to keep himself alive - it’s just up to Jensen to save him.

After hearing a muffled cry in return, Jensen proceeds in the direction of Tom’s cabin, too scared to go back to Jared’s to get the shovels and equipment he’ll need. He’s worried enough as it is that the strip of Jared’s coat that he used to mark the spot will get blown away and he’ll fuck this up and kill Jared. And to make things worse the need for a drink or _something_ to calm him down is so strong that he’s sure that his hands are shaking. How he’s supposed to get Jared out with unsteady hands is a mystery to him. Jensen’s so lost in thought that he doesn’t hear Tom and another man approaching him until hands shakes his shoulders.

“What happened?” Tom asks. “Is Jared okay? I know he’s going to be pissed that I caused that but fuck, the kid needs to lighten up.” Jensen sees red and he pushes Tom hard onto the ground.

“He’s buried in the snow you motherfucker, so unless you want his death to be on _your_ head, go back into your cabin and get me a fucking shovel.” Tom stands up slowly and backs away, telling his friend to stay put.

“I’m Justin,” the guy says from beneath his Prada sunglasses. “We’ll get him out.”

“Fuck you,” he says. “I’m going back to where he is. Make sure you hurry up.” As he’s making his way back he realises that he has one of Jared’s satellite phones and he dials 911, quickly explaining to the operator that they’ve gotten caught up in an avalanche. He sees the dark patch of cloth and breathes a sigh of relief.

“Jared?” he shouts. “Just hang tight okay, we’re going to get you out of there.” Jensen _thinks_ that he hears something but he can’t be sure.

“ _Is there anyone else there with you?_ ” the operator asks in his ear.

A sob hitches in his chest and he does his best to remain composed. “Yeah, there’s two other guys. They’re bring shovels and rope and stuff.”

“ _Okay_ ,” the operator says calmly. “ _First you need to uncover the victim’s head. Once you’ve dug deep enough to see him, get his head out of the snow. Can you do that for me, Jensen_.”

“Y-yeah, soon as they get here and we start, I’ll try,” he says, hoping that Jared’s not buried too deep into the snow. He shudders slightly, only realising how cold his fingers are when he sees that their white and barely moving. He hopes that Tom and his douchebag friend bring gloves with them.

“ _Just stay calm, Jensen_ ,” the operator says and it’s all Jensen can do to not bite her head off. Thankfully he’s saved by Tom’s arrival and he all but snatches a shovel from his hands.

“He’s responding a little so we have to get him out as quickly as possible. We have to be careful not to get him with the shovel, so if you see his head at any point, we have to stop and make sure we can uncover it without causing any more damage.” His calm words belie his tone and Jensen suddenly realises how he was able to fool his parents for so long, how he was able to function even with drugs and alcohol in his system.

He’s good at pretending to be something that he’s not.

Half an hour later, they dig further enough to get Jared out. Jensen's forced to stand by and watch as Tom performs CPR on Jared's lifeless body. Jared's face is white, his lips so blue that Jensen starts to fear for the worst. It seems as if hours pass by before the whirring of the air ambulance sounds in the nearby vicinity.

"He's breathing," Tom calls out. "Fuck. Thank god that one of us knows first aid." Despite the fact that Jensen knows that it isn't a dig, he feels it right down to his core. He's supposed to be the one person that Jared can rely on, his rock and all of that and if it'd just been him here, Jared would have _died_. It's a tough pill to swallow; even worse than that moment when he found out that Brent was married and that everything had been a lie, or when he woke up from a three day bender to find his mother crying and asking God what she'd done. And to put the icing on the cake, he should he focusing on Jared but instead he's wallowing in self-pity because he's selfish. He's selfish and he's useless.

The paramedics arrive soon, bringing a flurry of questions with them that Jensen is too frozen to answer. Tom seems capable enough and he even admits that he most likely caused the avalanche. He calls it a freak accident and it takes Jensen every single ounce of strength he has not to punch him square in the face for being so blasé about it all.

After riding in the air ambulance with Jared and the medics, Jensen ends up sitting in the waiting room, contemplating the calls he's supposed to be making. The hospital has already contacted Jared's parents but they know that Jensen was staying at the cabin. Jared’s friend Chad knows and the right thing to do is to call. So he does. He keeps it brief and does his best to pretend to be calm, even though his hands are shaking throughout each call. He calls Chris but gets voicemail and doesn't leave a message.

The white sterile feel of the hospital and the fact that they won't tell him anything because he isn’t family all proves to be too much and he leaves. It takes a minute to locate a store that sells alcohol and he must look as bad as he feels because when he realises that he left all of his things at Jared's cabin and has no money, the shopkeeper gives him the bottle of vodka he picks up free of charge.

With the smooth bottleneck gripped in his hand, he ambles around aimlessly until he finds a snow covered park and sits on a freezing bench. He wonders what the hell is wrong with him. Yes, it's a stressful situation and yes, he doesn't deal with those very well but this isn't a tooth extraction or a fucking test, it's the man that he... _loves_.

And that's the problem, really.

He loves Jared and now that there's the slightest hint that me might lose him, he can't hack it. It's just right back to the drink so he can numb the pain and the hurt. So he doesn't have to deal. And Jensen knows that's wrong but he's not sure if he's strong enough to say no. To leave this bottle, unopened and get his ass back over to the hospital like Jared deserves.

There are two things that he does and two that he doesn't. He doesn't drink any of the vodka because when it comes down to it, he's made progress. He's gotten over Brent and nothing would be worse than using _Jared_ as an excuse to fuck everything up. He doesn't go back to the hospital either, which is a coward move on his part but...what if Chris has been right along? That relationships are no good for people like him? When it comes down to it, there's no choice. He can't just pick between Jared and sobriety. Without sobriety, there'd be no boyfriend to speak of so Jensen thinks it best to sort himself out first and maybe, just maybe Jared will be able to forgive him one day. Luckily for him, Jared's mom is kind enough to give him updates. They're brief, concise and probably laced with a whole lot of disappointment but they bring Jensen some hope. Jared's got a broken collarbone and fractured leg but other than that it looks like he'll pull through.

"You know we've sold approximately three books since you've been back," Aldis points out, a week after Jensen return home. "And in that time, you’ve read and reread that email at least twenty time."

Jensen sighs. "How many times, man?" I'm not going up there to see him, okay? I _can't_."

"You don't have to go anywhere," Aldis replies. "They transferred him to a hospital twenty minutes away from here so his family and Chad could fly back and make all the necessary arrangements for when he gets out."

“But he doesn’t have a place here.”

Aldis rolls his eyes. “It’s not like he didn’t spend the majority of his time here anyway. And what exactly do you want them to do? Drop him off at the cabin in the middle of nowhere?” Jensen knows that he’s being weird and annoying over the whole thing but he can’t help it. He hasn’t told anyone but Chris about the vodka, because he’s ashamed of his actions but thankful at the same time that he found the strength from _somewhere_. That’s something at least because he’s a coward in every other aspect. His boyfriend is laid up in hospital and Jensen’s sitting here moping, too afraid to look Jared in the eye and face up to the fact that he abandoned him. The same way that Brent abandoned him.

Except Jensen doesn’t even have a wife and three kids as an excuse; just a penchant for making bad choices and a hell of a lot of guilt.

“I-I almost had a drink,” he confesses, knowing that Aldis won’t let this go. “I...he looked so pale and I thought the worst was going to happen and I just had to get out. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to _forget_.”

“The key word there is _almost_ , man,” Aldis says quietly. “You can’t beat yourself up over something that didn’t happen. There’s no point. And also if Jared calls me one more time, I’m going to physically take you to the hospital myself.”

“He’s called?” Jensen’s not expecting that. In his mind Jared’s just been lying there peacefully in his hospital bed, too drugged up with painkillers to really have a clear grasp of what’s happening around him. Clearly he’s been watching too many soap operas.

Aldis groans. “He’s called all of us and the worst thing is that our loyalty lies with _you_ so we’ve been feeding him all kind of crazy stories. Hell, his squinty-eyed friend was in here yesterday delivering a personal message. What does that tell you, Jensen? Did that professor dude ever try this hard with you?”

“That’s not what this is about,” Jensen replies instantly. “It’s not about that.” It really isn’t and for the first time Jensen wonders if he’s going to end up having to prove that to Jared.

“Well then. Get your ass over to the hospital and start thinking about all the ways you’re going to make this up to Jared.”

He ends up going to see Chris first because he wants someone who _really_ knows what addiction is like to help him sort through things. Aldis means well but he’s young and he hasn’t seen or heard half of the crazy stunts that Jensen’s pulled. If he had, it would probably be a different story. He would probably want Jensen to stay the hell away from anything with a dick.

"So you haven't been to see him despite the fact that you're basically his boyfriend," Chris says. Jensen picks at the label of his water bottle and shrugs. That term isn't something that he and Jared have ever discussed.

"You had it right when you said that people like _us_ couldn’t be in relationships,” Jensen replies. “It doesn’t matter how Danneel and Kristen dress it up, we just can’t. I mean, take that guy in AA last night who told us all about how much he tormented his wife. What if that ends up being me?”

Chris sighs. “You’re not a bad guy, Jensen.”

“I am, Chris, I really am,” Jensen says. “I’ve done so many things wrong, so many terrible things. Like scoring with kids who probably should have been in school, trashing hotel rooms, leading people on and fucking anything that moved, blowing my parents’ money, turning up drunk at the one job my dad got me – fuck, I almost ran someone over because I was too gone to realise that I shouldn’t be driving while drunk up to my eyeballs. How does all of that translate to me being able to have a relationship with Jared?” One of the worst parts of almost breaking sobriety is that all of the demons come back and they make it worse. He wants to forget, wants to put it all behind him and focus on his new life but…sometimes it’s hard. And then he feels like shit because there are so many people who are worse off and he’s just sitting here feeling sorry for himself. Nobody deserves to be tethered to a guy busy drowning in his own self-pity.

“I’m not going to tell you whether or not you should date this guy,” Chris replies. “But either way you have to sort things out with him. It’s one of the things that all of these counsellors tell us. We have to face our fears.”

Jared’s asleep when Jensen eventually stops by the day after his talk with Chris. Determined not to get turned away like he was at the other hospital, he lies and says that he’s Jared’s cousin. Upon reaching the room, he breathes a huge sigh of relief.

There’s no one else there.

Doing this would be a lot harder under the disapproving glare of Jared’s entire family. Not that Jensen knows what _this_ is yet. He doesn’t want to break up with Jared but at the same time, he’s not sure that he wants to put either of them through the back-and-forth that comes with his moments of uncertainty. Watching Jared helps him find his answer. There’s a fading bruise on his cheek and he looks paler than usual, but he’s beautiful and Jensen doesn’t want to walk away. He leans back in the hard chair and blows out a breath as tension rises in his chest. Now he just needs to figure out how to apologise for skipping out when Jared needed him the most.

Jared wakes up an hour after Jensen gets there, in small, fitful movements. It takes him a while to realise that he’s not alone and there’s an awkward moment when his eyes finally latch on to Jensen’s. There’s silence apart from the steady beeping of the machines and Jensen starts to think that maybe the accident did something to Jared’s voice. He’s not exactly been privy to every single note of Jared’s medical chart.

In the middle of his mental panicking, Jared manages to let out a raspy “You’re here” and he realises that he’s not the focus here, _Jared_ is and he has a lot of making up to do.

“I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to come and see you…I…I freaked out and I’m sorry.”

“S’okay,” Jared says slowly. “Avalanche adventures are not for the weak.” The comment stings even though Jensen knows it isn’t a veiled barb or insult. Jared’s probably been caught up in an avalanche before and he’s definitely been caught up in more dangerous situations before as well. There’s something off in Jared’s tone as well. A coldness that Jensen’s not used to, though maybe it isn’t even that and he’s just projecting because if the shoe was on the other foot he’d be _pissed_.

“I really am sorry,” he tries again, sensing that saying it won’t be enough. He doesn’t know what else he can do though, and isn’t that the fucking story of his damn life. Boyfriend’s got a wife and three kids? He didn’t know what to do. Life plan past living on Daddy’s money? No clue.

He’s fucking clueless in all areas but one – he _can’t_ lose Jared.

“I know you are,” Jared says, voice still quite and toneless. “And I get it. You freaked out, and then you heard the news and that probably threw you off. I get it. But I don’t think I can be around it anymore.

Jensen frowns. “What news? The updates from your mom?” There’s silence as Jared sits up and Jensen starts to wonder if things are going sideways already. He expected Jared to be angry not…passive.

“I got a bunch of cards and shit when people found out I was in here,” Jared says slowly. “Including one from Professor Matthews…apparently kid number five is on the way. I guess that you heard somehow.”

Jensen waits for his chest to feel like it’s been hit by a gust of wind, waits for the pain but nothing comes. He’s… _blank_ and…nonplussed. On one hand he sort of feels bad for Brent’s wife; though he’s never hunted her down to tell her what went on so maybe he doesn’t have that right. He doubts that she would want his sympathy anyway. On the other hand, he’s glad to be well away from the situation. Yes, Brent was a liar and a scumbag and Jensen did love him at one point, but that’s in the past. He’s not going to let it define his future, not anymore.

“I understand that it must have been hard to hear,” Jared says before Jensen can respond. “I get it more than anyone and that’s also why I think that you and I aren’t going to work.”

“Wait,” Jensen says quickly. “I’m not—I didn’t even know. I’m not upset about it at all.”

“You can’t expect me to believe that.”

“I swear to you, Jared, that’s not why I’ve been staying away,” Jensen pleads. “I just freaked out when I saw you lying there in the hospital and I…I almost had a drink.”

“But you’ve been sober for two years,” Jared says. “What the hell happened?”

“The accident, it just...it threw me and I guess I don’t handle stress well, okay, I was really freaking out. I thought that you were going to _die_. You were buried under the snow for so long and I…”

“Wait, you were _there_?” Jared asks. Jensen wonders what the hell Jared’s even been told about the day that it happened. “Tom said that he got me out. He made himself out to be a big fucking hero even though he caused the damn avalanche.” Sensing a chance to maybe smooth the situation out, Jensen tries to downplay his role in Jared’s rescue.

“Yeah, I helped him dig you out. It was a group effort.”

“Really?” Jared says. “I practiced digging someone out of an avalanche for my book and that was terrifying, I can’t imagine doing it for real, especially with Tom fucking Welling nearby.”

“Can we not talk about this?” Jensen asks, suddenly feeling a little breathless. He can still remember what happened as clear as day. The way the ice went straight through the gloves, and how useless and heavy his fingers felt as he clawed the snow away; the pallid colour of Jared’s skin when they finally got him out.

“You…” Jared trails off and they look at each other silently. “We need to talk about it. I was really hurt that you didn’t show up. Really, really hurt. And I know that it sounds ridiculous because we haven’t been…dating for long, but I feel like we really bonded when you were at my place and I just…I guess I thought that I’d always end up playing second fiddle to your feelings for Brent. Seeing that you’re genuinely upset because of _my_ accident makes me feel like it was my fault.”

“It isn’t,” Jensen reassures him.

“Then who’s to blame?” Jared asks. His voice is starting to sound a little raspy, and he’s wincing slightly, like he’s in pain. “Cause you’re hurt and I’m…hurt and…fuck, can you get the nurse for me? Something isn’t right.”

“Jared?” Jensen says in an alarmed tone. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t feel good,” Jared mumbles as his shoulders start to slouch. That’s the last thing he says before passing out right in front of Jensen.

# Part Three

Jensen finds himself lost in a memory while he waits for Jared to come back from whatever tests the doctors are subjecting him to now. The stark white of the hospital is morbid enough that all he can do is think, delve deeper and deeper until he’s somewhere else.

_It’s mid-November and they’re at the beach. Correction: it’s mid-November and they’re at the beach in the middle of the night. They’ve been dating for a month now and Jensen’s trying to put his reservations aside. So far he and Jared have stuck to conventional first dates: dinner, movie, making out at the bookstore (okay so that isn’t exactly the norm, but still). That was until Jared found out that it’s been a good five years since Jensen’s been anywhere near a beach of any kind and suddenly they’re driving for an hour and pulling up at a deserted and freezing closed off area that has a ‘CLOSED’ sign, probably just to ward off certain floppy-haired trespassers._

_The sky is a mixture of raven and blue-gray and the water looks jet back. It’s kind of pretty, but Jensen doesn’t see the appeal. Jared seems to be really enamoured though and Jensen settles for watching him instead._

_“Why did you bring me here?” he asks when Jared finally catches him looking._

_“You said that you hadn’t been to a beach for years,” Jared says. “That’s not right. Everyone should hit up the beach at least once a year. It’s like, a rule._

_Jensen quirks an eyebrow. “Does this rule include trespassing on closed off areas?”_

_“Oh, like you’re a stranger to being a rebel!” Jensen doesn’t respond, suddenly lost in the memories of drug-fuelled days filled with wallowing, regret and a truckload of self-pity. It takes Jared’s hands on his face to get him to snap out of it but even then he’s not ready to see the concern in Jared’s expressive eyes. He’s a mess and Jared knows it and Jensen doesn’t really know if they’ll ever progress if he can’t just…stop letting everything get to him._

_“You wanna know why I brought you here?” Jared whispers, his eyes never straying from Jensen’s. “I want you to be able to do everything you did before. I want you to stop holding yourself back, Jensen. I love your store and everything but you can’t make it your be all and end all.”_

Jared’s got an infection but he’s okay. They wheel him back into the room an hour after they called for the nurse and start him on a new course of treatment. Jared’s not happy about having to take more pills but he doesn’t argue and soon he’s eyes are drooping and he’s falling asleep. They haven’t said a word to each other since they’re earlier conversation and while Jensen’s slightly shaken, he knows that he wasn’t the cause of Jared’s physical pain. It’s something that happened. That leads him to question other things that have happened as he sits there beside Jared’s inert form, resisting the urge to run his hands through his hair and whisper something really clichéd about everything being okay.

For some reason Jensen’s headspace resembles a reel of his time with Jared. From the botched cookies to Jared’s unhealthy obsession with the _Mission: Impossible_ movies to their conversations about books. One thing sticks out in his mind and that’s Jared wanting him to stop holding back. It’s something that everyone’s been saying to him for a while and…he’s finally starting to see that he can’t just ignore it. There are people that he needs to speak to, things that he needs to clear up.

He’s been on pause for far too long and he’s finally got to click the play button and see what happens – it’s time for him to move on.

The trouble is that Jensen comes to this conclusion _every day_ and then he wakes up the next day and thinks, _what if something pushes me over the edge?_

However, Chris is right. Sometimes you just have to face your fears.

Besides the infection, Jared’s also got his broken collarbone and leg to deal with and getting him out of the hospital and to Chad’s place is nothing short of eventful. Jensen’s caught up between wishing he and Jared were alone and wanting the buffer of other people, just so that they don’t have to talk. However, his hand is forced when he is left t to look after Jared one Monday afternoon when Chad’s busy. Jared’s got his leg propped on the table and his arm in a sling plus a barrage of painkillers, pillows and ice packs surrounding him when Jensen arrives and he does not look happy.

“Chad is the most annoying person ever to have lived,” Jared whines before Jensen can get a greeting out.

“Hello to you too,” Jensen jokes. His smile fades when Jared scowls at him. “Is everything okay?”

Jared scoffs bitterly. “Gee, let me see. I’ve got to wear this stupid sling and I have this cast on my leg meaning that I can’t even use the bathroom without needing someone’s help. I can’t cook, or write or even make a goddamn phone call because Chad hid my phone so I wouldn’t call you but no, yeah. I’m fucking peachy, thank you for asking!” Jensen’s never really seen Jared being anything but friendly save the day of his accident and he finds that he kinds of likes it. Not that Jared’s upset, but that he has no qualms about being himself in front of Jensen. He might not have a read on their relationship status, but at least he has that.

“I have just the thing to cheer you up,” Jensen says. He moves to hand over the baking tray in his hands to Jared and there’s an awkward moment where Jared rolls his eyes and points to the sling, leaving Jensen to place it on the table instead. “They’re…uh, homemade cookies. I cut them into gingerbread men, because you know, it’s Christmas in two days and I know how much you’re into it, so being stuck like this must really suck and---“

“Whoa, whoa, Jensen, stop,” Jared says with a shaky laugh. “You made me cookies?”

Danneel did most of the ingredient measuring and Aldis and Chris helped him cut the shapes but Jensen’s not against taking all of the credit here. Just long enough for him to get back into Jared’s good graces.

“I wanted to do something nice,” he says. “To make up for being the worst boyfriend ever.”

“Jensen…” Jared trails off, and it’s obvious that he feels bad, even though none of this is his fault.

“No, it’s true,” Jensen says. “I had more than enough time to get my act together but…the truth is that I’m a coward. I don’t deserve you but…I’m not ready to let you go. I just…I need time.”

Jared’s head snaps upward. “This is starting to sound like a break-up.”

“It’s not,” Jensen says. “At least not on my end. There are just some things I need to do. People I need to see.”

Jared nods. “Brent?”

“My dad,” Jensen replies. “I’ve said everything I want to say to Brent. That situation is done. But I gotta fix things with my dad. You know I haven’t seen him since I got out of rehab? He’s back at the house while my mom tries to skate over the fact that he’s disappointed in me.”

“I figured that you had Daddy issues,” Jared says. “You never talk about him.”

“There’s not much to say,” Jensen says. “I’m hoping that’ll change soon.”

The next time he sees Jared, a month has passed and Chad’s wheeling him into the bookstore. Jensen doesn’t notice him at first because his parents are trying to explain to him that the main purpose of any business is to make a profit, not a loss. While he’s glad that his Dad doesn’t seem to be as angry as he was before, there’s a part of him that wishes that they weren’t just papering over the cracks and pretending that nothing happened. He’s sick of being that kid whose parents throw money at him to get him to be quiet, and he’s tired of his Dad not ever wanting to be drawn into any kind of personal conversation. Still, beggars can’t be choosers and there had been a brief moment where his dad had apologised for not coming to visit. Apparently he hadn’t been ashamed but disappointed in his own parenting. Jensen isn’t sure if he believes it but his mom looks a lot happier so he lets it slide.

Not seeing Jared isn’t deliberate; it just happens. One moment, they’re having hour-long phone calls and the next it’s been three days since they’ve spoken and Jensen’s too scared to pick up the phone. He can hear the strain in Jared’s voice when they speak and in the end he gives up and suddenly they’re in the New Year and everyone’s talking about fresh starts and resolutions. He would be lying if he said that Jared didn’t cross his mind all the time but he doesn’t want to screw things up anymore and hinder Jared’s recovery in any way so he stays away.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” Jared says when Chad wheels him to the counter. Jensen feels more than sees the exchanged look between his parents just before they make some kind of excuse and scurry out of the store quickly.

“I’ll bring your laundry over later, honey,” his mom calls out as she’s halfway through the door. Jensen bites back an embarrassed groan as Chad snorts. He turns back to look at Jared who doesn’t seem amused. He’s still got the sling and leg cast but he looks a lot better; there’s more colour in his cheeks at least.

“So I take it that things went well with your dad then?” Jared asks. He fiddles with a loose thread on his shirt and shrugs slightly. “I know that you said on the phone that he wasn’t mad at you but…I haven’t heard back since then and…”

“I’m gonna go check out the uh, crockery section,” Chad informs them before walking off.

“I’m sorry for not calling,” Jensen says. “I know that we still have a lot of unresolved…that we still haven’t figured out where we stand but I didn’t want to pile on unnecessary stress.”

Jared laughs shakily. “Not hearing from you kind of did that anyway. So great job there.”

“I’m sor—“

“That’s what you said last time,” Jared interrupts. “And I believe you. But you can’t keep running out on me and expect _sorry_ to be the end of it. At some point, it isn’t just you – it’s me. There’s no point in carrying on with whatever this is if you can’t handle it because it isn’t fair on me or you.”

“What are you saying?”

“That I’m not like you,” Jared replies. “I’m not going to keep going back and forth over something that’s out of my control. I’m not going to sit at home and wait for you to decide what you want. We’re…I…I don’t think we should…well, we’re not even together are we? So I think we should just part ways once and for all.”

“You came all the way here just to break up with me?” Jensen says incredulously. He shouldn’t be feeling upset; he’s had this coming for a while now but…he never expected Jared to be the one to end it. And damn if he doesn’t feel shitty because Jared’s sitting here all bruised and banged up from a cabin trip that Jensen pushed for. To his credit, Jared doesn’t look angry at Jensen’s reaction. If the shoe was on the other foot, Jensen would be livid.

“I got you a Christmas present but never got a chance to give it to you, so I brought that with me as well,” Jared says. He pulls out a notebook from his jacket pocket and hands it over to Jensen. “This is how I see you, and it’s a shame that you can’t find it within yourself to realise that yeah, you’re defined by your past but you don’t need to let it ruin your future.”

“Give me another chance,” Jensen says. “ _Please_.”

“I can’t, Jensen,” Jared whispers. “I’m not afraid to stand by you during all the hard times, even if you maybe can’t do the same for me. And it hurts that you don’t think that I can handle it.” Jensen stares down at Jared, willing himself to say something, _anything_ , but it’s like there’s lead in his mouth because he can’t get it to open. Jared gives him one last weak smile and wheels himself away.

The bell above the door rings minutes later and Jensen watches as his chance of happiness walks away from him.

Jensen throws himself into work, well as much as one can do when they run a usually empty bookstore, but he manages to keep occupied. Especially when his AA group loses their funding and they’re stuck looking for a new venue. His store becomes the unofficial place for them to meet up and somehow his store becomes a hub of activity as people drop in even whenever there are no sessions.

“You know, I’ve noticed that no one actually buys any books,” Danneel comments one evening as they relax after cleaning up. Aldis and Chris are playing a very heated game of ping pong (Jensen has no idea how the table got there) and Kristen’s flirting with some guy over by the coffee maker. Watching his friends makes him a little wistful. Everyone that Jensen cares about (except for his parents) is right here in this room and all that’s missing is Jared.

Danneel is still talking when he turns back to her. “And that you only read the same ones. So, I come bearing gifts! Or well, one gift.” She reaches into her purse and hands over a book. It’s not a notebook but the gesture reminds him of Jared all the same, which is ironic seeing as how it’s an advance copy of Jared’s latest book, _Collision_. Jared read him bits of it back when they were dating and Jensen’s already pre-ordered his copy. He’s not surprised that Danneel still has a copy; he knows that his friends occasionally hang out with Jared now that he lives in town permanently. From what Aldis told him, the cabin had sustained some pretty bad damage during the avalanche and there would be a lengthy restoration process.

“Jared wanted me to pass it along to you,” Danneel says gently. “You should call him, you know? He misses you.”

“I miss him too,” Jensen says. “But I can’t keep screwing with him. I’ll just stick to being that crazy guy who reads his books and cries himself to sleep at night.” The look that Danneel gives him is full of so much pity that he regrets saying it. He doesn’t really cry himself to sleep but considering that Jared’s usually on his mind when everything is still and quiet, it maybe isn’t too far from the truth. He’s so pathetic that he hasn’t read the book that Jared gave him when they’d finally broken up; he’s afraid of what he’ll see on the pages. Afraid that—

“Ow!” Jensen’s snapped out of his reverie as Danneel thumps his arm _hard_.

Danneel glares at him. “I’ve been holding that back long enough.”

“Oh well, that’s a first,” Jensen mutters.

“You are the most annoying, spineless, stupid, fucking prick ever and I know that the guys have told me not to meddle but all of this is low key stressing me out and you know what happens when I get stressed, Jensen?”

“Tequila shots?”

Danneel claps her hands together loudly. “Yes!! Which would be perfectly okay if I didn’t have a problem. But I do. And unless you want to be the reason why I fail at sobriety, I suggest you get your ass over to my apartment and sort things out with Jared now.”

“This is emotional blackmail,” Jensen remarks.

“Is it working?” Aldis calls out from where he and Chris aren’t even pretending not to listen in.

Jensen scowls. “A little. What the hell am I supposed to say to him?”

“You could start with sorry,” Danneel suggests sarcastically. “And buy him something really expensive.”

“So you’re brilliant advice is for Jensen to bribe his way back into Jared’s pants?” Chris says. “That explains why you’re still single.”

“Like you care Mr ‘Relationships are the roof of all evil’”.

“They _are_ the root of all evil,” Chris says. He looks at Jensen. “For _me_. There’s no judgment here.” Jensen rolls his eyes.

“I don’t think either of you are helping,” Aldis says.

Danneel directs her glare at Aldis. “And what are you bringing to the table?”

“I think we should leave them to it,” Aldis replies. “And if Jensen doesn’t care that Jared’s gotten the numbers of three different guys in the past three weeks, then we should support that.”

“That doesn’t bother me at all,” Jensen says. “He’s free to date whoever he wants.” He stands up, taking the book with him and goes into the back of the store to finish clearing everything up. It takes two minutes for him to realise that he does care and another thirteen for him to go back out and face his friends.

“So…does he seem interested in these guys, or…?”

“What did I tell you guys?” Aldis says boastfully. “Reverse psychology. It works every time.”

“He’s at my place,” Danneel says with a smirk before Jensen can get a word out. “My parents are coming over and I want to show them that I’ve gotten my life back together. I may have told them that I’d even make dinner which would be okay if I could actually cook. Thankfully I managed to rope Jared into hel—“

“—has anyone ever told you that you make _everything_ about you?” Chris interrupts with what looks a like a fond smile. Chris doesn’t do _fond_ smiles. If Jensen wasn’t in a hurry he’d stop and decipher exactly what that smile means but he’s got to run.

He’s got to fix things with Jared once and for all.

Danneel's apartment is only a ten minute walk away so Jensen's spared the embarrassment and annoyance of any pep talks his friends would have given him. He lets himself in with his spare key, noticing instantly that it's eerily quiet. Jared must have left already. With a heavy sigh, he heads toward the kitchen, just in case.

Not only is Jared sitting at the table quietly, he looks miserable. And in all honesty, Jensen would be the same if he had a million different ingredients spread out in front of him. Though when he takes in the crutches propped up against the counter and the fact that Jared's sling probably hasn't been off for long, Danneel probably should have gotten somewhere else to make dinner.

"I was waiting for you to show up," Jared says by way of greeting.

"Let me guess, Danneel's parents aren't coming into town?" Jensen says with a scowl. He's going to kill her.

Jared laughs tiredly. "Actually I think that part was true. But she had to have known that there's no way I can cook anything without help."

"How are you feeling?" Jensen asks. He kicks himself mentally for not asking that first.

"Shitty," Jared says. "But hey, at least it's inspired me writing wise. Thanks for the gift by the way. I had to pay some college student to transcribe the edits of Collision but it was really useful." Jensen nods in response. He's sure that if the cost of the digital voice recorder ever came up in conversation Jared would not be as thankful so the less said about it the better. It was the least he could do after leaving Jared bedridden in the hospital.

"So, what exactly do you need me to do here," Jensen says. He goes over to the sink, rolls his sleeves and washes his hands. "I'll try anything except cutting onions."

"You don't have to help me," Jared says. He doesn't meet Jensen's eyes and the awkward atmosphere intensifies. "I'm sure you have better things to do. Or somewhere better to be."

Jensen's gaze doesn't waver. "There's no better place than being here with you." He does his best not to wince at how cheesy it sounds. The tight expression on Jared's face is what Jensen's expecting and he knows that he has a lot of making up to do before they get close to what they were before.

"Where was that two months ago," Jared mutters. And then his face flushes as he seems to realise what he's just uttered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"Yeah, you did," Jensen says. "And you're right to ask that. I let you down and there's no dressing that up."

Jared scratches his neck lightly and shifts uncomfortably. "Yeah, but I already said a lot worse in the book. At least I think so. I never should have given it to you." It takes Jensen a brief moment to realise that Jared means the book he'd given Jensen when they broke up and he decides not to confess that he hasn't read it. There’s not much that anyone could say about him that he hasn’t said about himself. He’s not exactly been brim-full of confidence and self-praises since rehab.

“There’s nothing you can say that hasn’t been said already,” he says, hoping that they can leave it at that. “We better get started with this meal then.” He turns away quickly, suddenly not wanting to see the way that Jared’s looking at him. He busies himself with looking at the ingredients to check that there won’t be any ‘oops’ moments.

Two hours later and they’re finally done. Jensen’s probably got food particles in places that he can’t even reach and he’s sweating like hell, but it’s good to have done something productive. Especially with Jared even though he dozed off towards the end, leaving him wondering what he’s supposed to do. Danneel still isn’t back yet and it’s getting late. Jared mentioned something about Chad coming to pick him up but he hasn’t shown up yet. Jensen considers texting Chad to tell him that Jared’s staying at his but that seems a little presumptuous and weird given that they’re not together anymore.

“Jared, hey,” Jensen shakes Jared’s shoulder a little, smiling as his eyes flutter open. “Hey, so, Chad isn’t here yet but you can crash at my place until he shows up. It’s literally five minutes away from here. Which you probably already know but I—“

Jared presses a finger to Jensen’s lips. “Shh. I’ll come with you.” Huh, Jensen thinks. That was easier than he expected.

It takes another half an hour to slowly walk over to Jensen’s place and he shows Jared to his guest room. After spending far too long watching Jared sleep, he makes his way to his own room and pulls out the book he’s been avoiding since it was handed to him. The truth is that even though Jensen’s had every name under the sun thrown his way – _deservedly_ – he still cares what people think. That’s why he couldn’t face his dad for two years and when they finally did see each other over Christmas, it turned out that his dad only cared about his wellbeing. Obviously whatever harsh judgment he had was aggregated and came in the space of an hour but Jensen knew that his father didn’t hate him and that was enough.

So it came down to this. Jared’s words touched him before they even met. His survival stories had resonated with Jensen. Whether it was the simple way he weaved the characters or the way he made it seem like anything was possible so long as people tried, the feeling had only grown when Jared came into his life. Jared’s never judged him or made Jensen feel small because of his past and by that token, he ought to read this, because if this is what he thinks it is, it’ll be a lot less bad than Jared thinks it is.

The first half of the book is interesting. It’s clearly the story that Jared first put to him all those months ago. The second half is from another point of view – Jared’s and it isn’t pretty—but Jensen doesn’t really find any fault in it. Yes, it’s harsh and raw but…it’s Jared’s opinion and he needed to hear – or read – it. And it’s just a damn shame that it’s taken him so long to stop being a coward.

Morning comes in fitful, stiff movements and harsh sunlight blazing into his face. Jensen groans to himself and cranks open an eye. Considering that it’s been _freezing_ for the past few weeks, the sun has no business being out - at least not until he’s awake and caffeinated. He opens his second eye and almost jumps when he sees Jared sitting across from him at the kitchen table.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jared says after Jensen almost falls backwards from his chair. “I was just going to wake you up when I saw the book and then I freaked out and thought that maybe you were pissed off at me.”

“Forget about the book,” Jensen says his voice still groggy. “I liked it, even though it wasn’t complete.” If there’s one thing that Jensen has discovered since last night it’s that all of this back and forth isn’t going to get them anywhere. Talking is all very well when it’s actually productive and as much as he hates to admit it, he and Jared have been running around in circles ever since he ran back home.

Jared exhales slowly and looks up at Jensen. “Yeah, well, it seemed wrong to give it an ending when it was based on _us_ and everything was so up in the air. I thought…” he trails off, shaking his head slightly.

“You thought what?” Jensen prompts.

“That you’d read it and decide what you wanted,” Jared says. “That you wanted to give us another try but then I realised that maybe us being apart was for the best and I thought I’d fucked up majorly with the book. But no, everything in there is a reflection of what happened and what I feel now. You asked for another chance but I didn’t give it to you because I don’t think you wanted it for the right reasons. Or me for the right reasons.”

“That’s not true,” Jensen says. “I…I love you, and that’s despite the fact that I tried so fucking hard not to fall in love with you.”

Jared throws his hands up dramatically. “That’s the fucking point. Everything’s been negative. First I had to make sure I didn’t accidentally do something that would bring up Brent, and then it was having to make sure that I didn’t initiate a downward spiral and then I got injured and I had to deal with it driving _you_ to drink and I don’t think you know how that makes me feel.”

“You made it crystal clear in the book,” Jensen says softly. “And I get it. You’re right. I have been negative and I’ve been letting my problems dictate my life. But that’s who I am, and while I can try to change, I can’t just flip a switch overnight and be this amazing guy who’ll be the best boyfriend ever.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Jared replies simply. “I maybe was a little bit strong in the beginning, especially given our history but I decided that I wasn’t going to let that bother me. I knew some of your flaws beforehand and learned a whole bunch of new ones when I first started coming to the store. None of that stopped me from falling for you and…”

“What?”

“Part of me wishes you’d never asked me out,” Jared admits. “Because at least then I could pretend that one day we’d work things out. But we can’t because…I guess our timing is off.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Jensen says. “I…I miss you and yeah, I’m still afraid that I’m going to fuck up but it doesn’t compare to how bad it’d be if I lost you completely. So…I don’t know. I’m asking for one last chance. You don’t even have to answer me right now.”

“This is the most coherent I’ve seen you before coffee,” Jared says randomly, jolting Jensen out of the very emotional headspace that he’s been in.

“I can’t promise you pre-caffeine coherency but I can promise you cookies,” Jensen says slowly, not really understanding the sudden change of topic.

“Banana pecan chocolate cookies or just chocolate chip?” There’s a glint in Jared’s eye and while Jensen is happy to see it, if there’s one thing that he’s always going to require, it’s clarity.

“Is that a yes then, you’re giving me another chance?”

Jared makes a face. “I’m still really pissed off with you for thinking that I’d judge you because you freaked out, so this is me deflecting until I’ve had enough time to think about it.” Jensen deflates. It’s not the answer he was expecting and he wonders if he’d have gotten a better response if he’d had time to actually plan out a speech and list out everything. Impulsiveness hasn’t really worked out for him over the past few days.

“Oh,” Jensen says. “We can be friends though, right? You’re welcome at the store at any time.”

“Yeah, of course,” Jared says with a grin. “Who else am I going to pester when Chad finally gets sick of me and demands that I get out from under his feet?”

Jensen uses every lost ounce of energy to muster up a forced smile in response as an awkward silence settles in the room. There’s a voice in his head yelling for him to just _say_ something. Anything that keeps Jared here.

“I should go,” Jared says when no words come. “You probably have things to do and I…have an appointment somewhere, so…yeah.”

“I feel like all of the good parts of the relationship – our _friendship_ \- have been wiped away by my selfishness and oddities,” Jensen says eventually. “And I would hate for us not to be able to talk to each other the way we used to.”

“Things won’t always be this awkward,” Jared replies quickly. “We’ll figure it out.”

It’s not the answer that he wants but Jensen decides that it’s better than nothing.

The next day finds Jensen’s leaning on the counter at the store, listening to Aldis rabbit on about his new girlfriend Beth. He wonders if he should have been more assertive. No…more…determined. Jared leaving his place with their new ‘just friends’ status hanging in the air makes Jensen feel like an absolute failure of epic proportions. Aldis plies him with a bunch of useless sayings about bridges not being built overnight but Jensen built a whole damn block of skyscrapers _and_ a bridge only for Jared to knock it all over with his very painful crane.

“Maybe I should have bought him a nice gift or something?” he says. “Like a nice shirt! Or a tie?”

Jensen’s kind of shit at buying gifts.

Aldis stares at him blankly. ”Have you see what that kid wears? He would not appreciate anything not from someone’s pile of cast-offs.”

“He’s an outdoorsy person,” Jensen says. “It’s not like he needs to be wearing Abercrombie and Fitch.”

“Maybe you should write _him_ a story?” Aldis suggests. “He did write you one. And Danneel did give you that special advanced copy of his latest book yesterday that hasn’t been touched since.” Jensen frowns because that’s the third time Aldis has brought up the copy of _Collision_.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asks. “Has this Beth girl done something to your brain?”

“Ha ha,” Aldis says. “I’m trying to help you. Look inside the fucking book. Please.” He slams it down on the counter and Jensen picks it up. He wonders if 911 takes calls about friends who suddenly just lose their minds halfway through their shifts at the world’s least populated bookstore. Anyway, the book is lighter than it should for some reason and when he opens it he sees that the inside has been hollowed out and there’s a small picture book inside. Upon opening it, he sees that it’s full of photos of him and Jared. A smile dances on his lips as he flicks through them, and it falters slightly when he hits the last page and sees that someone has scrawled _yes_ on the back.

“What is this?” he asks shakily.

“Uh, well…” Aldis looks around the store for a moment before he shrugs. “He was supposed to show up just as you were opening the book but apparently we didn’t come up with a signal.”

“But…I’m the one who’s supposed to be making a gesture!”

Aldis nods. “That’s what we said, but apparently because he was the one to officially break up with you, he has to be the one to make the gesture that gets you back together and hey, he’s a romance writer, right? He knows his stuff.”

“He writes _survival_ stories,” Jensen says.

“Whatever,” Aldis replies. “Just act surprised when he gets here. He’s on his way.”

Jensen doesn’t bother acting surprised when Jared makes it through the door ten minutes later. The excitement bubbling within him is too much and he can’t stop himself from launching across the store and dragging Jared into a long and heated kiss that would probably not be appropriate if he actually had customers. Somehow he manages to explain that he looked in the book after some very suggestive coughing sounds from Aldis who only excuses himself when Jensen reminds him that payday is tomorrow.

“What’s with all of the pictures?” Jensen asks when it’s just the two of them. He notes that Jared’s cast is off but decides to ask about that later. He should probably start with the fact that Jared’s willing to give him – them - another chance, but he’s nervous and doesn’t want to jump the gun.

“You said that you felt like all of the good parts of us had been wiped away and I don’t think that’s true,” Jared replies. “We didn’t even have a proper break up. None of us betrayed the other. You freaked out and I made assumptions and then I freaked out and you made assumptions but none of it takes away from the fact that what we had – have – is good.” Jared’s looking right at him, his eyes as open and honest as they’ve always been. Jensen sighs because all of this is fucking with his head. One minute it’s all too much for Jared and now they had this amazing relationship but they’re still floundering. He doesn’t really get it. Granted, his only actual serious relationship in life so far was that major fuck up with Brent but yesterday it was too much for them to try again and today what they _have_ is good.

“I can see that you’re not really clear on what I’m saying,” Jared adds quickly.

“I’m just confused because…yesterday we were just friends and today…”

“Today I realised that it was literally just life getting in the way,” Jared replies. “Considering that I spent a ridiculously long time trying to get you to give me a chance, it would be stupid of me to not to give you one.”

“If you’re giving me a chance then I promise not to let you down,” Jensen says.

“You better not,” Jared says easily before he takes a step forward, overcorrects and then proceeds to trip over one of his crutches and ends up in a heap on the floor. It doesn’t really bode well for them considering that the last time Jared went down like that, he ended up in hospital and they ended up in disarray, but Jensen’s not going to let it get him down.

“Just so you know,” Jensen says dryly. “I meant ‘let you down’ figuratively, not _literally_.” Jared flips him the bird but they both laugh at the (albeit crappy) joke and for the first time in a long time, it doesn’t feel stilted and awkward.

It feels like _them_.

# Epilogue

Jared’s new place is big, spacious and a complete mismatch of colours that makes both Jensen and his mom wince when they show up to help him move in.

“Did you mention to him that I’m an interior designer?” his mom asks for the umpteenth time. Jensen rolls his eyes. Technically she _was_ an interior designer before she went from doing that to holding what seems to be an unlimited number of charity functions like the painful book launch he had to sit through just yesterday. Some things never change.

“I think he got it when you made up fifty business cards just so you could let him know that you were serious.”

She gives him a reproachful look. “Where was this sass when I was helping you with _your_ apartment?”

“I’m just going to go and move a box,” Jensen says quickly. Even though he’s a big boy now, there’s nothing like a withering glare from his mother to get his ass in line.

After heading upstairs, he finds Jared in the master bedroom rearranging some stuff in the closet.

“Who invited my mother?” Jensen asks he flops down onto the bed. “I swear she’s driving me crazy and it’s not even my apartment.”

“I think you’re words were, oh my mom’s going to be in town so we should get her to help,” Jared replies. “Feminists would love you.”

“Hey, hey, I just meant that she’s good with design and stuff,” Jensen protests. “When I moved into my apartment she feng shui’d it up and I can proudly say that I’ve never projectile vomited or got blackout drunk in any square inch of the place.”

“Yeah, well she’s here now.”

“And she’s leaving.” They both swivel around to find her standing in the doorway with a less than impressed look on her face. “I’ll organise your feng shui appointment for next week.” She doesn’t wait for them to reply before making her way back down stairs, her loud heels clicking on the tiled floor all the way up to the front door.

“I think you pissed her off,” Jared says. He even looks a little bit guilty and Jensen rolls his eyes. He can handle his mom. She’s only pissed off because Jared’s front room isn’t in the soothing tones of baby blue that she wants them to be. And maybe because Jensen’s not really been spending as much time with her lately but he knows that she’ll understand when the dust settles. He’s with Jared and that obviously involves spending a lot of time together.

“I’ll talk to her later,” he says when he sees Jared giving him a worried look. “In the meantime, you and I have more important things to worry about.”

“Like how you didn’t answer me when I asked you to move in with me?” Jared says airily as he goes back to hanging up his ridiculously large collection of lumberjack shirts in his closet. “I know you heard me.”

“I can’t,” Jensen says. “Not while I’m so focused on getting this program up and running. And…I think things are good as they are now.” He’s surprised that Jared’s genuinely upset it about it because he hadn’t detected any annoyance last night when he failed to respond. Of course that could be because he was half asleep but he makes a note to pay more attention to these things. He knows that Jared gets it either way. The rehabilitation program that he and Chris are working on is important to him and it’s probably the one thing in his life that he’s genuinely had to work hard at. Running what’s effectively a charity is a lot harder than it seems and he’s fast learning that sometimes he can’t just throw money at a situation to make it go away. They have to troubleshoot, run everything by investors (and his Dad, because he’s the real business brain behind this) and it’s a lot of work.

“Oh, by the way did you get my check?” Jared asks, joining Jensen on his bed. “I stopped by last week and left it with Chris.”

“I told him to give it back to you.”

“I’m sensing some…kind of issue,” Jared says with a raised brow. “It’s part of my settlement from Tom and I don’t really want his hush money so…I want you to have it.”

Jensen hesitates before answering. “Okay, sure, if that’s what you want to do with it. But uh, have a think about it first, okay? You were after some funding for your class when we first met and if you’re running it again this year then maybe this money will be helpful?”

“You don’t want me to be a part of this, do you?” Jared says glumly. “I can respect that.”

“It’s not that,” Jensen stresses. “It’s just a lot of money and I think that you’re being a little bit hasty in giving it away. The program’s in safe hands for now, so just…sit on it for now.” Truth be told, even with his books and author appearances, Jared isn’t exactly rolling in it and Jensen would rather that he had a cushion to fall back on as opposed suffer later as a consequence when pride stops him from asking for help. Jared’s nothing if not stubborn and he knows that this won’t be the end of this particular conversation but luckily he also knows a thing or two about distracting his boyfriend.

“So we haven’t christened your room yet…”

“And it’s not happening now,” Jared mumbles, standing up without as much as a glance back at Jensen. Given that it doesn’t take much to pull Jared back down onto the bed, he’s clearly not _that_ angry.

“I’m sorry, alright?” he says. “I just…I’m looking out for you.” He keeps his expression as earnest as possible and he sees Jared’s resistance ebbing away. There’s an eye roll, but it comes with that easy smile that Jensen loves seeing so much and he’s determined not to piss anyone else off today. Life’s so much easier when he’s on the receiving end of loving smiles and about to get laid. He leans in and kisses Jared before either of them can say anything else, pressing closer as Jared responds eagerly. After breaking the kiss, he shifts slightly so that he’s hovering above Jared and looking down at him. He kisses down the side of Jared’s neck. Jared’s hands slip under his shirt and roam on Jensen’s bare chest. They're both starting to breathe heavily, lost in the feel of each other, and Jensen stares down at Jared while he takes his time mapping Jensen's entire torso with his hands. He’s painfully hard and judging by the way Jared’s hips are pressed against his, Jared is too. Jared flips them over and – climbs off the bed.

“Like I said, not happening now.” He’s smirking, flushed, with red, kiss-swollen lips and short of breath, and Jensen knows that this is payback.

“You’re seriously going to leave me hanging?” He might be pouting a little but in a situation like this it’s kind of appropriate. Jensen doesn’t like teasing! Unless he’s the one teasing. Which would suggest that he likes it, but that’s neither here or there, all he knows is that one minute he’s about to get laid and now Jared’s…gone back to _arranging his closet_.

“I’m going to finish hanging up the rest of my stuff,” Jared says with a shrug. “I don’t know what you’re going to be doing.” He guffaws loudly and pats Jensen on the head before strolling out of the room, leaving Jensen hard and extremely frustrated. He flops back down onto the bed and stares up at Jared’s ceiling. At first he wonders if the colour of this room could get any worse but soon his mind lingers onto other thought as he tries to push… _calm_ himself down.

The old Jensen would probably be looking for a bottle of Jack and a hole to fuck but he’s not that guy anymore. He’s not that guy with the uncontrollable libido, who doesn’t know when to stop or what acceptable boundaries are. He’s not that guy who’s too afraid to settle down because he might fuck up and make a mistake. He’s not even afraid of _making_ mistakes or letting people down. Letting Jared down.

He’s… _happy_ …and he wants to happy here – with Jared.

Jared walks back in with another bundle of clothes and Jensen watches him silently for a few minutes before he reveals his decision. Even though he’s sure that this is what he wants, his heart thuds a little faster and his hands start to get sweaty. He rubs them together and sits up slowly.

“So….is there space in there for any of my stuff?” There’s a shaky note in his voice but Jared doesn’t seem to notice as he ducks into the closet and retrieves a coat hanger.

“I was just going to give you a drawer at first because I’m not sure how often you’ll be staying over,”

Jensen clears his throat. “What if…I stayed over…all the time?” Jared turns around so fast that he gets twisted up in the long overcoat he’s in the midst of slipping onto the hanger, flounders briefly and then grabs onto the chair propped by the closet door to hold himself up.

“You’re not just saying this so I’ll have sex with you, right?” he asks. “Because that would be mean. This is like, _our_ dream place. Well. As much as it can be without a view that includes snow but—”

“No snow,” Jensen interjects fondly. He might be a changed man, but…he doesn’t need to be reminded of Jared’s avalanche adventure anytime soon.

Jared sighs. “For now at least. But yeah, I had you in mind when I was looking at places – and okay, so getting out of Chad’s place as quick as possible was also on my mind – but I always assumed that we would be moving in together and—“

“I’m not just saying it,” Jensen interrupts again before he ends up at the wrong end of one of Jared’s rambles. “I want to move in.” Jared drops the coat and walks back over to the bed and sits down.

“Then hell, let’s christen the place!” he says, and there’s no mistaking the huge beam on his face. “The washing machine comes with thirty two settings.”

Jensen freezes. “We _are_ not having sex on top of your washing machine.”

“Hey, it’s _our_ washing machine,” Jared says brightly.

Jensen can’t help laughing. “Just shut up and kiss me.” Jared looks like he wants to argue his washing machine case for a little longer but his eyes change, teasing glint fading away as he stares. Jensen sees the moment that he starts to lean in and he follows suit, allowing their lips to meet in the middle.

**Fin.**


End file.
